Dialogue Notes only:
These are rough, uncut, unfiltered, and anonymous notes taken at the dialogue. We get that these may not be very readable to those who were not in attendance at the dialogue, and, honestly, sometimes even to those of us who were. We still feel it is important to keep them available as part of our accountability process and for archiving and reference purposes. Some of these notes have been digested/transformed into blogs.
Our 3rd White Noise monthly dialogue was focused on “white woman tears” – the phenomenon of white women crying when confronted with their racism, especially in multi-racial settings. Before beginning the dialogue, we were reminded that this discussion was within a frame of knowing that there are many different types of tears, having acceptance and compassion for our tears, and not to shaming ourselves for crying.
The discussion began with a reading from Abagond blog:
“White women’s tears is one of the main ways White American women have of derailing any talk of racism, particularly their own racism. It is part of a more general pattern of white people making their feelings matter more than the truth – something you see too in the tone argument, for example.
White women’s tears can come about in different ways, but here is the classic scene:
- A white woman says something racist.
- A black woman points it out. (It could be any person of colour but it works best against black women for reasons given below.)
- The white woman says she is not racist and starts crying.
- For added effect the white woman can run out of the room.
- Other whites, particularly white men, come to the aid and comfort not of the wronged black woman but of the racist white woman!
- The black woman, the wronged party, is made to seem like the mean one in the eyes of whites.
- The white woman continues to believe she is not racist.”
(See more at http://abagond.wordpress.com/2010/06/11/white-womens-tears/)
One of the problems identified within this dynamic is that when a white woman cries, the attention shifts to her tears instead of the racist dynamic that’s happening in the room.
It was mentioned that often the pedagogy of white anti-racist work is framed in a masculine/ confrontational way. If we, as white women, have been socialized to shrink and cry when confronted then this may not be the best approach for us in dialoguing about racism.
Other influences of socialization on this dynamic were named as well:
In looking at images of white women in the media, we frequently see the “fragile flower” stereotype – a young white woman crying because she has nothing else to do. In history, if white women expressed any emotions other than crying then they might be institutionalized (i.e. hysteria).
It was mentioned that crying can be used as a very successful survival tactic to immediately shift a dynamic and divert aggression. It is a power that can be used as manipulation. Crying can also be the result of being in a position of power while feeling powerless. (See Power Under: http://gis.net/~swineman/).
We have been socialized to value ourselves based on how well we please others, so when someone tells us that we have hurt someone by being racist, we fall apart. This connects to a running theme of”personalizing”. In the “white woman tears” phenomenon there is a connection between sexist socialization of self-esteem issues and vanity of white privilege. Often, women who gain power or ability are able to not personalize. It was questioned if this is because they are more able to conform to the white/ male ideal, and if there is a way to be ‘neutral and empathetic’ without being ‘distant’.
Class is also an influence on the “white woman tears” phenomenon. One woman mentioned that her working-class upbringing socialized her to rarely cry. Crying as a manipulation tactic may be specific to white female middle-class culture. Middle class children get more one-on-one attention, while working class kids get used to not have needs for attention met. A woman with both class and race privilege may feel extra guilty or shameful when confronted with their privilege. Also, a person with both class and race privilege may feel ‘surprised’ when they are the ‘wrong’ one.
Some questions that arose from the discussion were:
How to channel/ center anger when we’re feeling angry toward the “crying white woman” and how to intervene with compassion?
How to have compassion for the genuine sadness that comes up for white people when they are confronted with their racism?
How to learn neutrality and still be empathetic?
Some ideas for solutions also arose:
-If we’re the white woman who is crying we can own our tears, name the dynamic, and let the group know not to care-take us.
-If we’re witnessing the crying white woman we can name the dynamic as it’s happening and name our anger from a centered place.
-Some suggestions that were made for learning to stay centered and grounded in emotions included Generative Somatics (http://www.somaticsandtrauma.org/) and breath work from the Art of Living Institute (http://www.artoflivinginstitute.org/)
-“Access Needs”: the solution is not about making sure white women stop crying; it’s about making sure that the crying is not preventing someone else’s needs from being met or heard.