In this dialogue we will explore the internalized feelings we may have around our white identity, specifically looking at senses of shame, worthlessness, harmfulness,  awkwardness, etc alone, together or in mixed race spaces. How do we let go of the binary between being the good or bad white person? How do we tell the difference between discomfort that comes from sitting with our white privileges and self-hate for our white identity? What are the pathways to radical self-love that can better serve us and anti-racist movements? Finally we will explore how we may externalize these feelings in tearing down other white anti-racists.

Check out some of the readings below:

Dialogue Notes:

• ways internalized shame is projected out onto others
• dualistic and conceptual
• work I’m called to do, to call in white folks – remembering the patience with which people called me in
• what are boundaries around who you want to work with
• socialized as a white woman there’s already this self-hate and shame, and this layers on and connects to it
• a sense of hopelessness can feel like there’s nowhere to go, estranged in POC spaces
• potent timing in my life to look at this
• how to look at these issues without being down on myself
• not sure how to deal with feelings and entitlement, or denigrating myself in challenging white supremacy
• feelings of isolation
• I struggle with wanting to throw other white people under the bus
• anti-racism work is about relationships, helpful for me to personalize this
• recovering from serious burnout, and a mental health breakdown from being in various movements, so glad to be here to reconnect with this
• there’s never a completion of examining how white privilege operates, and allowing there to be less pressure to figure it out, this is lifelong
• have been in racial justice organizing for many years, race, class and gender are always very present, and have a need to engage our multi-faceted selves
• mental health and self-care in activist spaces, what that looks like
• helpful to air out shame, hear collective voices
• white female perfectionism can play out, in social justice movements
• have been slashing friends out of my life, cutting at myself, at times feeling like losing all ground around self-worth – so clear now I can’t be interacting with people out of shame, it doesn’t serve the movement – white people need to stop dehumanizing themselves, can’t be n relationship with others
• sometimes these feel like taboo subjects, which build shame because they are repressed – this gives it more power
• noticing my inner critical voice has a field day with other white people’s words, it’s carnage
• Onion piece “white people cannibalize themselves over Black Lives Matter”
• directives to work with white people, to work with POC, to build relationships, shame about the demographics of my friend groups
• communities of vulnerability, what does healing look like? how is shame related to healing?
• always more layers to come around to, spiraling around, how can we come more into our bodies from our heads
• this is so much what I’m working on in my life
• uncovering sense of worthlessness related to privilege – to be a worthwhile person since I didn’t struggle in my young life, need to be a badass activist and how much and how problematic that is as motivation, and how that blends with beautiful intentions

• how distancing is projected outward
• patterns of female caring for others
• what is projecting self-hatred, and what is like, you’re a dick?
• calling out and being fierce about it feels like a reclamation of my gender identity, I don’t care what you think
• the multiplicities of our identities, tough times with hetero cismales I’m doing this work with, I can’t handle this glob of privilege that comes at me – feels good to say I don’t want to hold this, challenging to recognize the shame coming up
• boundaries and limitations: of working with others
• concept of disposability, beautiful theory of what would work look like where noone was disposable
• calling in: we are caring and invested in that relationship, but sometimes we’re not in relationship, what if someone is not interested in shifting their behavior
• sometimes  harshness is needed
• connection between colonization and disposability, we are taught to throw things away, there is always more – is this projected onto people
• in BDG piece, stood out that we should not just call in people we feel have utility
• was told if I had worked harder and had more utility people would have been there for me when I broke down – how is this capitalist mindset
• I’m uncomfortable and I’m here, trying to notice myself in spaces, relax jaw, acknowledge discomfort
• I want instant gratification and resolution to conflicts, also part of that capitalist consumerism way, and sometimes it’s valuable to be in constant conflict with someone if it means speaking truth
• it is a privilege to think conflict can and should be immediately resolved, can’t just wrap it up – recently in a setting looking at discrimination against POC and Native women in my profession, and it ended on a love note, which upset many
• when there’s all these systemic issues, what is healing? the thing about capitalism and oppression is that they constantly change form to support themselves, the only way you are going to wedge into that is healing, space in self and relationships to be accountable and repair harm, to truly dissent and strengthen networks of care (insights of Fania Davis)
• how do we define love? love doesn’t always feel good, can be about feeling injustice, if we’re really talking about love in its totality all of it, accountability is love, not leaving anyone behind
• “love” can be used as spiritual bypass
• inspiration of how Cornell West expresses love
• you don’t necessarily have to take care of that person, nor take away that pain that maybe they need to feel – can be out of our hands
• so many times talking with white people, and at a point they check out into shame or guilt, and how often I hear the same sentence, “what am I supposed to do, just feel this white guilt forever?” well, maybe chill in the messiness for awhile, and you’ll come out the other side
• I wish we could make mistakes and it wouldn’t be the end of you
• extremeness of social media calling out
• I don’t know if anyone is going to do work of calling in anti-racist white folks, we need to do this for each other
• times I’ve been called in, and heard “I will be here tomorrow, I will be with you through this and not leave you”
• how measuring self and others’ worth – connections to ableism
• radical self-love – loving ourselves even if someone if not in relationship with you, what would it be like if actually believed in self-worth, and, we disappoint people at times
• at times being down on myself has helped me grow
• when saying to someone I love you and there’s part of you that I hate – realizing I hate the part of myself that might act in the same way
• is there a difference between the socialization and the self? is there a difference between hating the whiteness and hating myself?
• at times that voice as women that says we should act like men
• in  pre-verbal stages, shame can be powerful, the more I deal with my personal shame, the less I feel white shame – more recent manifestation of that deep well
• ways that shame can be empowering, can be linked with empathic ability
• also can be aggrandizement of self, I’m in control of all this
• shame can protect you from living in world that is out of your control
• easy to say “all white people are racist” outside of my control
• how important is it to draw that line between self and socialization? I would like to live in a world where mistakes are part of learning, and are accompanied by forgiveness
• whether its nature or nurture, if I f-up, and someone tells me we can repair
• maybe as a white person I don’t feel entitled to forgive others, as if that assumes too much power
• helpful when it is personal and can move through instead of becoming abstract
• tendency of making myself small in racial justice spaces, connections to both whiteness and to growing up female always practicing shrinking myself – how to show up and be authentic
• giving feedback, ways that it can trigger trauma – there should never be a one-size fits all solution because that means not getting to know each other
• in trying to meet someone where they are, I’m assuming where they are, don’t know how to get out of myself to connect in this way
• looking for white female queer writers who are talking about radical self-love, most of the people who have taught me about self-love are women of color – by white women, with race analysis, not a lot out there! maybe a need.
• feelings that my body is violent, or the white person taking up space
• more that we are doing tangible things can alleviate or be an antidotes
• there are real barriers in movements, not wanting to hire a white person in a multi-racial space as a white person
• how to make the conversations more multi-faceted? what are you practices, strategies?
• how do I have a relationship that’s not self-sacrificial, and support others leadership, yet also be in my own power
• intentional feedback sessions, can be touchy-feely, but structured space to incorporate us back into fabric of relationship
• if I were doing this I would want you to talk to me about this
• NVC can be a helpful tool
• Re-evaluation co-counseling can be a helpful tool
• have been so moved by the compassion of POC, times towards a white person who was injurious, and its like if you can be compassionate to this person why can’t i?
• is it useful as people become aware of whiteness, to be constantly aware of it?
• if I feel that I don’t have worth in places, then being complacent
• is it possible to leave shame behind?
• I love myself imperfectly
• questioning spaces that I am working
• part of doing radical work is taking a step back
• where do draw boundaries, spaces where I don’t feel safe as a queer woman
• I don’t want to feel bad about the company I keep, where are times when we are tripping up on our selves – not wanting to have stagnation
• ways to drive a wedge – we need to be constantly changing
• concept of reparations – I believe in this, and, how you do it counts
• sustainability in anti-racist work, whatever you are called to do, you can be anti-racist, a therapist, a midwife, in a way that feeds you
• in every movement there’s a question of who is genuine, grassroots
• we are using a dualistic framework talking about “role”
• relationship-building is crucial
• sometimes I feel that white people should not be in the racial justice movement
• in this context, white people are being asked to step up, and there are mixed messages and different perspectives
• I need to feel calmer and wiser, and it is relationship and context based, about presence of white people in racial justice
• wanting to feel like a whole person in these leader-ful movements
• why have people been moving, coming to the bay, settler histories, has been easier to build radical community here
• one way I’ve used my energy is volunteer for POC led orgs, doing the work that is needed, not glamorous
• I have the privilege around many choices
• there’s no such thing as perfect revolutionary
• patriarchy doesn’t want me to feel pleasure – feeling it is a swimming upstream
• feeling humor, others who get the nuances of my joke, able to laugh at myself, feels becoming human